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SHAZAM!
New Line Cinema has finished milking the Lord of the Rings cash-cow dry....that is, until the next super-deluxe -extended -director's -cut -special-with-plush-toy-and-exclusive - refrigerator-magnet-18 DVD boxed set-limited edition is released. They've pissed off and alienated Peter Jackson to the extent that LOTR dweebs the world over are crying in their hot pockets, mortified that someone else might direct The Hobbit. Like Ewe Boll.
So. What do they announce? What is the next Uber-Mega-Blockbuster Popcorn Franchise We All Are Salivating To See??!!
That guy. Yup. The one with the (dare I say it?) FAGGY cape and lighting bolt pointing at his crotch. Captain Marvel. He of the utterance "shazam!" At a budget of TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS, no less. The only possible redemption would be the inclusion of his Power Hour buddy, that hottie, ISIS (who can also fly, but has nicer legs, and can talk to cats).
Aren't there other comic book heroes out there more deserving of such a lavish financial treatment? Hell, why not The Wonder Twins? I can see it now....."Wonder Twin powers activate! Shape of.....a sandbox! Form of......a house cat!" I'd much rather see that.
Or She-Hulk. What red-blooded American male (along with a healthy number of WNBA spectators, I imagine) wouldn't want to see a movie about a superhero who grows enormously huge green tits when she gets angry?
200 million dollars. That would buy a pair of red leotards, sparkly gold boots, and a FAGGY WHITE CAPE for every homeless person in America.
Now......THAT would be something to see.
Okay.....I finally broke down and watched the damned show last night, and I think the last time my skin has crawled like that was in college..... when I inadvertently pitched a tent in the middle of a poison ivy patch.....in summer.....barefoot.....wearing swim trunks.
Or the last Ben Affleck movie I sat through......it's a toss-up.
For those of you who don't know....it goes like this. Non-Mensa level contestants compete alongside grade school kids for money. They get to choose among various categories (1st grade Geography, etc), then get their question. The lifelines consist of "peek" (look at the kid's answer), "copy" (adopt the kids answer without "peeking"), and "save".....which basically means that if you're too stupid to live, and get it wrong, the little tyke next to you saves your ass.....provided he's got the right answer. Each right answer moves you up a money board ala "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".....
Simple, huh?
OH.......OOOOHHHHHH........how simple.
One of the questions: Which is furthest WEST....Nevada, California, or Alaska? The answer, of course is ALASKA. He guessed California. Little Buddy kept this numbnut in the game with a correct answer. Did I happen to mention that he's a REAL ESTATE AGENT???!!!
He thankfully bailed out at the 50K level.....what would have gotten him to the 100K plateau? "In square inches, what is half the area of a square that is 12 inches long?" * Choked. Dropped out. Couldn't figure the area. Did I happen to mention that he's a REAL ESTATE AGENT?
So....I picked my jaw up off the floor and waited for the next contestant, sure to be a shining example of the average Joe or Jane, someone who could restore my faith in mankind......or at least in game shows.
Did she disappoint me? Were my expectations too high? YOU BETCHA!! She used a "peek" on the following gem:
"What country are you in if you cross the northern border of the United States?" Easy, right? Well, if you think so......take off, eh?
Oh, the humanity.
*(incidentally......the answer is 72)
That guy. Yup. The one with the (dare I say it?) FAGGY cape and lighting bolt pointing at his crotch. Captain Marvel. He of the utterance "shazam!" At a budget of TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS, no less. The only possible redemption would be the inclusion of his Power Hour buddy, that hottie, ISIS (who can also fly, but has nicer legs, and can talk to cats).
